Motherhood

I have been writing this post in my head for 3 weeks now and I finally want to get it out into the world. Motherhood has been the hardest but best experience of my life. The first 10 days were very difficult. When we were in the hospital it did not seem real. There were nurses coming in all the time, taking him to the nursery for tests, and they bathed him and changed many of his diapers. On the second night when he cried off and on from 9pm to 3am they took him to the nursery so we could sleep. It seemed like he was my baby but someone else's responsibility. That all changed when we came home. While I never have denied him anything it is hard to be on the clock 24/7. It became even more difficult when Jerry had to return to work 2 days later. There is a big deal going down and with this economy we could not afford for him to say no and risk his job. However, I felt so completely helpless. I have dealt with babies but never like this. I questioned every move I made - especially the feeding issues. Breastfeeding did not work out for us, Ieven tried pumping but was only getting 2 oz for 10 pumps (he eats 2-4 oz every 2-3 hours). All the "breastfeeding nazis" tried to make me feel like a bad mother because I was formula feeding him and I bought into it even though my gut told me we were doing the best thing. I also felt financial guilt towards the hubby because breast milk is free and formula is extremely expensive. My hormones were raging out of control and I felt so alone and isolated. I also had, and still have, major grief feelings about my mom. It was so difficult to be a new mother who is motherless. I was so jealous of all the other new moms who would have their moms over to help them or just listen to them. I cried everyday because I had no one I felt I could rely on for moral support other than Jerry. While my husband is wonderful I wanted another woman who had been through this to listen to me.

Now Clark is 3 weeks old and I am feeling a lot better. I still miss my mom but I am more confidant as a mother. He amazes me everyday. He looks for me when he hears my voice which is such a wonderful feeling. He laughs and smiles and it melts my heart. I know people say at this age it's just gas but he smiles when I tell him he is my handsome boy or that daddy's home so that gas stuff is complete BS. I never imagined loving someone so completely and all the cliches are true. I would do anything for him and want to give him the world. I know it is going to be difficult and that there will be days when he gets older that I will want to strangle him but this is the best ride I have ever been on. Until next time ....